"We seriously need to invest in a toaster," my roommate yawned dispiritedly as she stooped over, clutching her bathrobe around her, watching her bread toast through the oven window.
"HA!" I shouted as I jabbed a spatula into her side, rendering her considerably more awake. "We should invest in some rat poison! And we could sprinkle it over the counters at night just for fun!"
OK, not really. But when you're worried about the slightest, microscopic contamination from your makeup and last year's rolling pin, the introduction of a hulking, seething mass of malice oozing poisonous crumbs all over your counter and into the cupboards is somehow not met with shouts of joy.
How can we contain the beast when our roommates, significant others, family, assassins-in-disguise have brought it into the household?
Step One: Put it on its own counter.
Step Two: Nightly, build a wall of canned goods around it.
Step Three: Construct a scare-toaster (an upside down broom will do; toasters aren't too smart) to keep it from oozing contaminants when you're not in the kitchen watching it.
Step Four: Turn the knobs all the time (use gloves!). If you're lucky, your roommates/significant others/would-be-assassins will become so disgusted with its inconsistent performance that they will allow you to throw it out... the window.
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